Tuesday Tune – You’re my home

– Billy Joel

This has been a hard week. I’m not sure exactly why, although for some strange reason spending time with my extended family often makes me feel unsettled. I think it comes from a clash of the different things that I want from my life being crystallised in some way. On one hand I want to live near to my parents (once they move back to the UK – I’m not moving to Switzerland!) 🙂 and DH’s mum and extended family so that the kids and DH and I can enjoy spending precious years with them around us and the grandparents having an important part in the kids lives. On the other hand I have itchy feet: I want to travel places, live somewhere different and let the children have the experience of growing up in other countries.

I’ve been thinking, praying and talking with friends and other helpful people about my gifts, skills and passions, as I feel like somewhere along the way I have sort-of forgotten, or not used them enough to know what they are, exactly. When I was training to be a pastor I think that I felt quite sure about what I was good at, loved and was passionate about, but over the past couple of years this has sort of eroded or, perhaps with becoming a mum, not had as much time to be exercised as before. I feel like I’m still figuring out who I am and what I want from my life, and how my family and my faith fits in with that picture. Its confusing and bewildering – I thought that by the grand age of 31 I would have it all figured out… that I wouldn’t be cloudly-headed with questions and uncertainties.

Anyway, I guess that is just the background really. The reason that I chose this song (a little late…) is that in the midst of all this confusion about what I’m doing, who I belong to, where I belong (I’m not British but don’t ‘feel’ South African really either – I don’t fit in either place properly) and where is ‘home’, I remembered the song that I walked down the aisle to – this song. Its a good reminder that I’ve quite often felt this sense of ‘not belonging’ or perhaps to put it in a more positive way – belonging to many places and many people. This song captures a bit of the love, stability and ‘home-ness’ that DH gives me… like a rock or tree or something permanent but not unchanging, or stuck. He gives me the space that I need when I need it, but he is the foundation when I’m feeling swept around by anxiety, questioning and frustration. DH reminds me to keep putting my itchy feet and w(o/a)ndering heart in God’s hands – and trusting that S/He will lead me, however rocky, apparently boring or exhilarating exciting it may be. So this is a thank you, a prayer of thanks and a little reminder to DH –

When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When I feel my withered roots begin to grow
Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
That’s all right, my love, ’cause you’re my home

When you touch my weary head
And you tell me everything will be all right
You say, “Use my body for your bed
And my love will keep you warm throughout the night”
Well I’ll never be a stranger and I’ll never be alone
Whenever we’re together, that’s my home

Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike
Indiana’s early morning dew
High up in the hills of California
Home is just another word for you

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
That’s all right, my love, ’cause you’re my home

If I travel all my life
And I never get to stop and settle down
Long as I have you by my side
There’s a roof above and good walls all around
You’re my castle, you’re my cabin and my instant pleasure dome
I need you in my house ’cause you’re my home.
You’re my home.

You’re my home.