Trying to write…

It was Mother’s Day in America last Sunday but not in the UK. I did not mean to be blogging about parenting so soon after this ‘celebration’ but last night after a long day of being a mum I still somehow ended up on my iPad searching for great apps for my 4 year old to enjoy, instead of switching off and drinking wine. On one hand, I’m not really sure how this happened (it’s not for lack of good wine) but on the other I have this misplaced belief that each day I will grow in calmness, patience and self-control. Yet each day I feel like I let myself down. I shout at wee G, or really want to smack little J for being naughty. I get frustrated by my sweet children for not listening, or ignoring me, or being cheeky to me. I get tired of constant negotiations, haggling and resorts to bribery. I just don’t like it. This is not what I wanted/expected motherhood to be (should have hung out with more mothers) and it’s not the me I want to be.

Yesterday I came across this review* for Barbara Kingsolver’s new book (she wrote The Poisonwood Bible) which is short listed for the Women’s Prize. I have not read it, but apparently in the new book, Flight Behaviour, mothers are real. Real mothers who get annoyed, who sometimes don’t want their children around, but who love their little wotsits** fiercely nonetheless. The interviewer, Gemma Kappala-Ramsamy*** picks up on this portrayal and asks about the ‘stark’ depiction of motherhood in the book, to which Kingsolver replies that motherhood is sentimentalised and romanticised in our culture (she is American but in think her comment applies to the UK too). (Yup, I never expected a bed of roses, but wow, it’s way harder than I thought it was going to be!)

Kingsolver’s comment about an honest (and merciful because of this) portrayal of motherhood, plus a blog post that I read the other day from Ashleigh Baker (http://ashleighbaker.net/2013/05/tell-me-a-story-an-invitation-to-old-fashioned-blogging/) has encouraged me to stop worrying about trying to remember the awesome ideas that I have for blog posts at 1am in the morning and just write. Write about my life, my church, my children, my ministry, my lover, my God. Obviously that’s not to say that I don’t want to challenge myself to write more, or better, but I don’t need to wait until I have the best idea EVER before I blog something. My life is actually a story in itself (and some chapters are better than others…) I don’t need to wait til it gets more interesting or appealing. For one thing, I might never blog then.

My contribution to writing flesh-and-blood motherhood, and in answer to the invitation to write my life is this blog. I will let it breathe and be. It will not be perfect, it will not feel guilty. Or watch its step or be worried about what other people think about it. It will just be what it is: good stuff, bad stuff, in between grey confused stuff.

Just like being a mother.

* sorry, couldn’t get the link button to work: http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2013/may/11/barbara-kingsolver-interview-flight-behaviour
** thanks to my fantastic house mate for this contribution to my vocabulary. Stops me from calling my children bad words (not to their faces, obvs.) when I’ve had a rough day.
*** what an awesome name! I was concerned about how my kids will sound with their double barrelled names but I can rest easy – many other people have paved the path before them.